Lasting Illusion
by Lrigelbbub
Summary: Kai reflects on a love and life lost. He remembers masks and his guilt and then he understands...


**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Beyblade

**Pairing:** None really…TyKa though

**Rating:** PG-13

**WARNING:** I don't want to spoil it but this is a death fic….if this offends you DON'T read it. If you simply don't like it then DON'T read it. If it doesn't take your fancy save you time and DON'T finish and find a story you do like. There are plenty of authors out there with loads more talent then me at spinning a yarn.

**A/N:** Sorry if it sounds distorted. This has been sitting on my hard drive for so so so many months half finished. So I thought I finish it while I was procrastinating instead of doing my Services Marketing assignment. It was originally going to be much longer but didn't turn out that way.

LASTING ILLUSION

It was raining today. The heavy clouds were slung low in the sky and the air was saturated. I like days like this. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it is the smell of the earth after a thorough soaking or maybe it was the sound of the raindrops as they fell against the pavement. When it rains like this I like to sit at my window and watch drops splatter themselves against my pane.

The rain soothes the dry parched land.

It nourishes and nurtures.

It washes away.

But I do so like days like this. I knelt in the muddy earth and I watched the rain slide over the surface. I watched today like I have for every day on this particular day since his passing.

'Look to the light side of life'

Those are the words that decorate his final resting place. He always used to say that.

I guess I should start at the beginning. When I first met him I truly disliked him. He was arrogant and brash and rude and the epitome of everything I despised. But in hindsight I guess I had such a problem with him because he reminded me too much of me. Back then I was too cocky and too sure of myself.

We were forced together and did we have over our fair share of arguments and whatnot. We never could see eye to eye – not even at the end. But over time I guess we got used to each other. We got comfortable and I will never forgive myself for that for as long as I live. That familiarity blinded me and I missed it. All the signs were there and I missed it.

I don't know how I didn't see the masks which were so much like my own; the defences which I had built for myself once upon a time. He broke those walls on me. Made his way into my life and stayed there. He forced me to deal but it wasn't until the accident that I realised how much I had not seen.

How much I had missed because I was blinded by him. Blinded by what I felt for him.

Blinded by my love for him.

I tried so very hard to hide it. I didn't want him to know. I never wanted him to find out. And yet now I kick myself everyday for never telling him when I had that chance.

I was fascinated with him and by him. He told me once when we were kids that light was everywhere in the universe. I never really understood that. When the sun went down darkness prevailed.

But he explained it to me in a gentle tone. 'Just because you can not see it does not mean that it is not there'.

I still didn't get it. But now I do. I understand totally now. The sun may have set here and now but on the other side of the world it was daylight. There was always light. Somewhere.

A few years ago I was reading and I came across that phrase and although it is totally corny and even to my ears it sounds cheap, I realised that my love for him was like that phrase. It was always there. It would always be there. Even when night reigned here it was sunny somewhere.

That struck a chord within me. It made me realise that I would never stop loving him and even though that is a totally frightening concept it always made me feel utterly relieved for some reason that I can not find the words to explain.

He was always such a good listener. Sometimes you could forget that he too was human and was entitled to mistakes and subsequently he would have his own problems. His mask of sunshine and pretty colours was far more effective than my old one of ice and stony silences.

He was quite a master at illusions. Everything he said I believe came straight from his heart. I seriously doubt he ever lied to a friend. He was far too honourable for that. But his façade, it was ingenious. His illusion, everything he presented to the world was so tightly controlled.

It was strange that he could be such a good listener and be such a wise and true person but still not take his own sensible advice.

I remember getting that phone call. It was one of the most heart wrenching experience in my life. I doubt I will ever feel something like that ever again. Hearing a cold impersonal nurse tell you over the phone that your best friend was in an accident and unfortunately didn't make it just warms your heart. Underneath my shock I was rather surprised that I had been named as a contact but Tyson no longer had his Grandfather around, he had passed away a few years prior and his dad was away on archaeological digs for three quarters of a year and his brother comes and goes like the wind. I guess it was just easier for Tyson to put someone who was a constant in his life down.

I remember walking down those cold hallways with lead feet and feeling nauseous from the bleachy smell that always seemed to accompany hospitals. I remember standing in that bright room and when they asked me if that corpse lying on the table was indeed one Tyson Granger. I wanted so desperately to shake my head and say no. But I knew that that would not accomplish anything. Tyson would still be dead.

I remember the filling out of release forms and that's about all…it was mostly a blur. But when I found out how he died. I almost choked.

I always knew that he liked things real. He liked fast bikes, fast cars and fast sports and he was living on the edge. But to know that he lost control of his bike on a turn at high speeds that was shocking because I knew that he knew better. I mean I had seen him but I hadn't seen the full extent of his injures. That was something that I discovered later; he had busted his left leg in three places. He had punctured both of his lungs, broken his left arm and crushed his spine. So if he had in fact lived there was a good chance, of over ninety percent, that he would have been paralysed from his nipples down.

It was horrific to see those listed on a sheet of paper but I am glad now that I only seen his face in the mortuary. I couldn't believe it. I remember feeling so incredibly angry towards him for all of about twenty minutes when I realised that his accident could have been totally preventable and avoidable.

I should have seen it. I knew that he liked things in the fast lane I should have known something like this could have happened. But I didn't.

The day he was to be buried the sun was shining and the birds were chirping merrily in their trees and I felt absolutely wretched. His service was short. The funeral was held at his burial site. I stood there in some what of a daze, my lips automatically forming the words to the Hail Mary prayer.

_"Hail Mary, full of grace_

_the Lord is with thee_

_blessed is thou among women_

_and__ blessed is the fruit of thy womb_

_Jesus_

_Holy Mary, mother of God_

_pray for us sinners now_

_and at the hour of our death_

_Amen"_

Thrice I said the words and listened to the Father's sermon. Upon closing the serenity prayer was recited to give hope to those who still walk this Earth and then it was over. I stayed until his coffin was laid in his final resting place.

I requested that no wake be held. I couldn't deal with talking to so many people. I stood there for a very long time by his grave and I reflected, I couldn't believe how many people attended. I never realised how many people considered Tyson to be a friend. Even though I was glad that they came to honour his memory and show their respect, I found myself getting annoyed. If all these people loved him enough to honour him in death why could they not have noticed that things were wrong during his life? As soon as I thought this though my guilt came back full force, how could I judge them? I was probably closer to Tyson than any of them and I had not done anything to save him from himself.

I was a failure.

I don't know how long I knelt there in front of his head stone just staring at the engraved words. My head was full of thoughts of him. My guilt was over bearing sometimes and I felt like I was drowning in my sorrow as corny and as overdone as that sounds. There simply was no other way of describing it.

As I stayed there I was in my own little world, it wasn't until children's laughter sounded did I snap out of my daze. I felt so angry, how dare someone interrupt my reflection, my sadness with something a joyous as laughter. It was then that I noticed that it was still raining well to be more accurate it was drizzling.

I look up at the sky and I could see light peeking through the grey storm clouds and my anger dissipated. The sight was so beautiful.

My thoughts were making connections. Tyson was just like this. He was so seemingly contradictory and yet still so beautiful. I remember now his smile and his laugh and although I know that so many times they were part of a mask there were still a handful of times when he truly truly meant it.

And I know that he cared for me, as a friend, and I don't think he would want me to be so sad when I remember him.

I turn my gaze back to the grave in front of me. I trace his name with my forefinger and whisper the quote there. "Look to the bright side of life."

I think now I understand. The illusion is still there. He died without people understanding him and I will always feel guilt that it was my own pride that kept me from telling him how much I needed him. My pride that kept my love locked inside and it was my pride that refused to shred that illusion he clung too like he had done to mine.

I lean forward and place a kiss to the wet stone and slowly stand. This year I will walk away with my head held high. This year I will walk away without looking back. This time I will live my life according to his motto.

I walk away for another year and I keep my promise, I do not look back.

He was a lasting illusion.

So my tears fall like rain.

xxx

**A/N:** I know that it is melodramatic and I guess you could call it cheesy if you wish I really don't care about that. I just wanted to get this out. The plot line is my own – I used it in a different context for my QCS exam several years ago when I graduated from highschool. The line 'bright side of life' is not mine. I do not know where it came from…only that it was only one of many different "inspirational pieces" we could use for the essay.

I hope that you liked this…I can understand if you don't. It is a deathfic and I did portray the characters differently to what is typical In Character style. I deliberately didn't make Kai in character but played on some of his traits that are evident in the show, I did the same thing with Tyson's memory…

As you can probably tell I am Catholic and therefore the burial scene is a Christian funeral. I do not know specifics of other religions and their – um – services…also I am not sure of the play by play in a funeral…last one I was at I was too upset to really pay attention to anything but the prayers. The prayers I have mentioned here are ones that I want said at my funeral that the reason behind the choice there.

I do not condone the driving of fast vehicles. I know the damage it can do.

I do not know the procedure of notifying next of kin in those types of situations…my personal dealings with hospitals were not accidents…I've just gone off what I've seen on television.

If anyone was not aware, I have not exaggerated the injuries one can sustain from a motorcycle crash at high speeds. A mate of mine is lying in hospital with those same injuries plus an amputated foot minus a broken arm just switched one for the other – amputation just wigs me out. My prayers are with him.

If any one would like to know the Serenity Prayer is as follows:

_"God grant me the serenity  
to accept the things I cannot change;  
courage to change the things I can;  
and wisdom to know the difference. _

_Living one day at a time;  
Enjoying one moment at a time;  
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;  
Taking, as He did, this sinful world  
as it is, not as I would have it;  
Trusting that He will make all things right  
if I surrender to His Will;  
That I may be reasonably happy in this life  
and supremely happy with Him  
Forever in the next.  
Amen."_

It is commonly shortened to just the first four lines and this is often referred to as simply 'Praying Hands'

Really really really long authors notes this time – sorry guys.

Be safe always

-BG


End file.
